To The Little Group of Guys in my Life

that seem to think that endlessly messaging/texting me all the time will eventually wear me down and get me to sleep with you/be your girlfriend.

fuck off.

i just want to sleep, forever.

Oh God

I lust after you so much. Why do you have to do this to me you stupid boy? Grrrr, I’ve been so restless for the past few days.

Last Night It Was Rob’s Birthday..

Well, last night was a fucking weird one. It was Rob’s birthday so, after drama (we’re doing Peter Pan this year!) I went to the pub, there were so many people I didn’t want to talk to it was unreal. So I put a straw in a bottle of wine and went to town, did a few shots of sambuca too actually, anyway, there were loads of people I did want to talk to so I was just chatting away, trying to ignore most of them and then as I was sitting down, Chris came to talk to me. We’ve been messaging a lot etc and I’d been kind of annoyed that he’d pretty much blanked me all night, but he said he hadn’t noticed me which I suppose made sense since I’d been hiding away from that particular group of people and all the drama they bring into my life. Anyway, as we were chatting Will came and sat down with us, coked out of his brain, and started putting his arm around me and kissing my cheek and neck and then he thought to ask if he was interrupting something. Bare in mind, Will and Chris are like, best friends or whatever and when I was seeing Will Chris was always just with us, drinking away. We said no and Will continued to be like “I’m so sorry I’ve been blanking you, it’s because Tara was here but she’s gone home now… etc” and I was just like, it’s cool, but then he was asking me to have sex with him and go home with him and saying he’s always wanted to have sex with me blah blah, all the same old shit and so I wriggled away. He harrassed me all night, grabbing me and groping me and forcing me to kiss his gurning mouth until Rob and Waity noticed and were pulling him away every time they noticed it, I was surprised at Waity though since he’s one of the people I was trying to avoid. As the pub was closing, I’d talked to all but one of the people I was hiding, but Shaun, who was so drunk it was almost untrue, had noticed Will hugging up to me and kissing my neck and that I was wearing his jacket that he’d forced on me and he thought we were seeing each other again and got like, really angry with me. Again, Waity stood up for me which was really nice and unexpected, then Moog came over and started saying how he loves my boobs and wants me to ring him and let him come over so that he could “lick my tits” and it made me feel a bit crap because Waity was like “I feel really sorry for you”. It’s shitty enough without people pitying you over it. Blah, anyway, we were going to go clubbing afterwards but the woman at the door was being a real cunt and said that Mike couldn’t come in because he was “too drunk”, all he’d done was offer his I.D before she asked for them, so we decided to just get buzzing together. But that meant we had to call the one person I’d managed to avoid all night, which was basically the epitome of shit. After we dropped the pills, Rob decided he wanted to go back to Shaun’s with them and since it was his birthday and all, we all went with him. I came up whilst we were watching TV and omg, I just couldn’t sit there, especially not with him there since I’m prone to saying the most retarded shit when I’m high like that, I noticed Harry was looking a bit twitchy as well and his pupils had dilated so that his eyes were pretty much just black, so we went outside for a walk. All I wanted to do was walk around and smoke and roll down hills and touch trees etc, but apparently that was too much to ask. I ended up sitting on a bench on a massive downer with Harry telling me that I was actually a really intelligent, funny, safe, decent person and I was like, so what does everyone think of me then? S: ha, I just felt so crap that I made myself sick to try and get rid of the pill and get back to normal, anyway the cold was making Harry lose his buzz so I sent him back inside and he sent Mike out to find me. Mike was in such a state, hahaha, I was on the easiest bench to find ever and he was too buzzing to find me, so it took him a while to get to me. It was so strange, in the back of my mind I felt buzzing and warm and happy, but mostly I just felt lethargic and shit so I stayed there with my head on my knees wearing both Harry and Mike’s jackets, basically silent until four in the morning when he finally convinced me to get up and walk to the taxi he’d called. We were in bed and he lifted the elastic of his boxers to like, shift my hand down there (it had been on his belly) and I was just like, eurgh and rolled over. I felt too shit to have sex, even with the guy that is basically my fuck buddy. I’m kind of glad though, normally when I’m buzzing I do the most cringe things, there’s not much to take the piss out of this time apart from “haha, Kristen was on a massive downer and sat in silence all night” I mean, it’s not really that funny, right?